WTB New Intestine
Feb 1, 11:09 PM
I’m lactose intolerant. Something I’m sure I’ve pointed out on numerous occasions before. It’s something I’ve lived with since I was about twelve years old, so the stigma associated with a man ordering a soya-chino at a coffee shop has become rather neutral to me. I don’t swing that way nor am I a 40 something, upper middle class, stay at home wife who spends her days running on a treadmill to burn off the cake she just ate with her friends while gossiping about how her yoga instructor Chelsea confided in her that her husband could no longer get it up. I’m comfortable with who I am. So I drink my soy and laugh at those petty fools who still think a fluid designed for baby cows is a good thing to consume.
But now my body has really gone and screwed me. Not content with taking away delicious treats like ice-cream and pudding and whole blocks of chocolate and replacing them with a substance that increases oestrogen levels, lowers your libido and shatters your sperm count. It has decided that it would make things a little harder for me. It’s now giving the cold shoulder to gluten.
What’s the big deal? You may ask. When was the last time you ate a can of gluten? Well, what would appear as a valid question is actually filled with so many holes that it has begun to soak up the blood spilling from the wound in your head that exists where your brain should be. All the delicious things in this world that don’t contain lactose…. contain gluten*. Pizza, burgers, cakes, crumbed sausages….and beer. All of it packed full of glutinous goodness.
I’ve actually been aware of it for some time now, but have neglected to do much about because it was such a pain in the ass. But after eating a whole wheat pizza for lunch yesterday and spending the rest of the day curled up on the couch in agony, feeling like i was exhaling lungfuls of flour, I decided that perhaps I needed to readdress the situation.
Stupid safeway and their irresistible frozen good discounts, if it wasn’t for you I could still be living in ignorance and enjoying… donuts. Oh man…. donuts. This is f@#ked.
*with the exception of fairy-floss
Filed under: Ramblings